Okay! So today is my first Feel Good Friday. I'm new to this. And frankly, I haven't felt good all week. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. I'm breaking out worse than I ever broke out in high school, and I have been on some kind of mad-woman rampage.
I normally think I'm an okay mom. I have terrible (serious) mommy guilt. My kids watch way too much television, and I yell. A lot. Yesterday was the worst, though- and I am ashamed for my temper tantrums thrown that day. Both at my children, and my husband who is 100% more understanding about my shortcomings than I am of his.
However, I do have many things that make me ecstatically happy, despite my nearly regular bad attitude.
1. My Dog, Hunter. (Yes, my children are usually first. In fact, they ARE first, even today. But since my loyal mutt-he's not really a mutt, he's a Brittany spaniel- is the one who is making me all warm in an otherwise freezing room by snuggling along side me, today he's first on the list.) Hunter is the perfect dog. He's never once peed in my house, or chewed my furniture or kids toys. He checks my children several times a night to make sure they're in their beds. He has big brown eyes, and a light brown nose that he likes to press against mine. And he doesn't lick.
2. My husband. I've been a jerk. He's a saint. He blows my mind with his insane ability to understand ANYTHING- including very advanced chemistry, biology, math, and deep religious doctrine.
3. Lilly. While my other two children want their dad whenever he happens to be around, Lilly wants me. She's a mama's girl. And even in my darkest moments, when i want to cry because I feel like I've screwed up royally as a mother, and I'm sure that this particular time is the one that is going to be THE experience that makes them need therapy, she has been known to come and cup my face in her tiny hands and say "Mommy, you're a good mommy. And you're learning to be a good mommy, just like we are learning to be good kids." and then she will kiss me, and give me an extra long hug. (No, I didn't coach her to say that. She came up with it on her own.)
4. Mahone. (He only comes after Lilly because he was born after her. I tend to go in order. I'm obsessive compulsive that way. Things have to be organized.) Mahone has the most active imagination I have ever seen in a kid. (Though it is true that the only kids I have ever been so fully absorbed in have been my own.) Each night before bed, I sing to each of my children a song of their choice. He has to hear a song called "Don't wash my super cape" which is a version I made up for him from a song I learned in preschool called "Don't wash my blanket"- but Mahone's favorite thing in the world is his Superman Cape. then he has to tell me a long involved story, usually about a little boy named Mahone who battled bad guys along side his sidekick transformers and his trusty dog, Krypto (read: Hunter). After which, I am given an extra 'squishy' hug, and told that I can leave now. This kid makes me think outside the box. And today I miss him because he is with my mom for a 'special weekend' where he gets to go to Jumping Jacks and be spoiled absolutely.
5. Scarlet. Yesterday, Scarlet had her 2 year well child checkup, and was told that not only is she in perfect health- even after her television accident. I was also told that she was incredibly advanced and intelligent. Not only did our new pediatrician confirm all these things that I already knew, but she supported the decisions i made about Scarlet and some seemingly to me unnecessary hearing tests. ANNOUNCEMENT: We have found OUR doctor!!! (No, it doesn't have ALL to do with her telling me what I want to hear. It's because she took time to talk to ALL my children, very attentively, even though only Lilly and Scarlet were there for the appointment.) Scarlet makes me happy because she sometimes still lets me cuddle her. She wears a tutu every day, and that just makes me smile.
6. I know we're only supposed to list 5, but I have to throw this one in here, because it's a thread of hope for me. We've been TTC for 3 months now, and let's face it, TTC sucks! this morning, I took a test, and before the control line even showed up, a faint blue line appeared. I screamed "BRANDON! WE HAVE A LINE!!!!" and he came in and saw it too! (So I KNOW that if I'm crazy, then I'm not crazy alone.) Alas, by the time the control line showed up, the faint blue line had disappeared. It wasn't there even 2 minutes later, though we watched expectantly. We're clinging hopelessly to the hope that I am pregnant, and it's too early for the hormones to make the line obvious. Wish me luck!!