I am happy.
I really mean that.
I have been through a lot of unhappiness in my lifetime, and there's no one to blame but myself. Throughout my marriage, we have been in and out of 'good' spots. There were times where we almost called it quits, when our ideas of marriage, love, and how a relationship should be were skewed so that we didn't recognise what we had, we only wanted what we THOUGHT we SHOULD have.
I am exhausted at all hours of the day. Having 2 hours of sleep or 10 hours of sleep leaves me with no difference in my spunk.
I have severe hormonal attitude with people who say rude and insensitive things to me about my children, my life, or my pregnancy. Apparently, I don't know the meaning of taking the high road. Because I always have to retort.
I have children who drive me insane every single day, though, really, if they were THAT bad, I wouldn't be having another one. So that must say a lot about exactly the way I feel about them.
I don't have everything. I worry about money. I want things I can't have. I can't always afford the lessons or things my children want. But I can honestly say I have never, in my entire life, been happier than I am now. I adore my husband, who is so infinitely wonderful at putting up with me, my hobbies (which are so many in number that I couldn't begin to list them right now- and it probably goes without saying that they actually add to the money problems we have. LOL.) who supports me constantly, who thinks that I get prettier every single day when the mirror obviously lets me know that I am simply growing older, fatter, grayer and wrinklier. Yes, I'm 28. I still think I'm old.
I think a lot of my happiness has to do with him. Family in general is wonderful. But I think, when I look at what my options were back in the day, if given the same beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and otherwise precious children with all the same quirks and personalities they own today, having the same lifestyle I do now, in the same house, the same town, the same van, the same everything, while dealing with any of the men I had been seriously involved with, and their attitudes, their ideas about me and what I should have been or what I wasn't doing or was doing that bothered them, and imagining what my life might be like...well, I honestly think that I would not be anywhere NEAR as happy as I am.
In one case, I'm sure I'd be divorced. In the other case, I think I would have been repressed. That man had a tendency to be overzealous about women's rights. It's very funny, because his intention was to be supportive of our freedoms, but he really failed to see that part of our having freedoms is that we are still able to choose to be mothers, and to stay home with those children if we feel it is best for them, which I always did, and he always thought it was a bad example for any girl children. Repression. He was such a nonconformist that he became a conformist.
Yes, happiness really doesn't rely on anyone but ourselves. But it really does help when you have wonderful people around you. And I sure lucked out.
That's what's making me feel good today.
To my very own resident Utah Driver (Brandon):
My minivan is not your tiny little sports car. Doing 3 point turn on the middle of busy main street while making cars stop behind you and wait for you to finish your 'u turn' is neither safe nor legal. I don't care how many right turns you have to take, or if you have to pull into a parking lot to turn around, you have my precious babies in that van and you'd better obey the laws.
I'm not kidding. Maybe I'd better drive next time.
I don't know how to be sensitive about this, so here it goes:
I'm severely sorry to those who have trouble getting pregnant. I really am. I hope that you are able to have your children soon, and I'm sure you'll be lovely, wonderful parents.
In the mean time, I'm not going to avoid you, pretend that my pregnancy isn't painful, stop my pregnancy updates that automatically post to my facebook each week, or laugh when you tell me to cross my legs, ask if I know what birth control is, or tell me that my vagina is not a clown car.
I'm sorry- but those posts aren't put there to rub salt on your wounds. They are put there because I have every right to talk about how I'm feeling, especially considering it's a public domain where it's a general statement, and whoever wants to read and reply can do so, and yes, I know that means you too. But I have near 600 other friends on facebook. You are only one person. If I posted it to YOUR WALL, then that would be rubbing it in. posting it on MY status isn't directed at anyone at all. Besides, I actually have family and other friends who genuinely DO want to know what's going on with me, how my pregnancy is going, and think it's cute to hear some of the things my children say in relation to their new baby brother.
For the record, telling me that I have too many children and that I should stop having them doesn't really make sense.
Babies are not grown in a small pool like a bunch of trout, and whoever has the best bait gets one. It's not a "not enough fish in the sea" kind of thing. If I have 10, it really doesn't diminish your chances of having one. Likewise, if I stop now, simply because you're upset that I'm pregnant and you feel that I should "spread the wealth", it isn't going to increase your chance of getting one either.
I have never been the kind of person to rub it in. I try to be sensitive. But in my opinion, sensitivity works two ways. And no one should make me feel bad about my family choices. I didn't get pregnant to spite you, no matter what you might think. When I tried for months to have another baby, you were not the one I was thinking of when I peed on stick after stick after stick.
My family choices have never, do not now and never will include you.
You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you.