Manic Motherhood at it's FINEST!!

Why "I am NOT a VOLCANO!"

Why "I am NOT a VOLCANO!"
click the volcano for the due explanation
"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." — Gordon B. Hinckley
Exaggeration is the spice of life

Book I am Currently Reading: Peter and The Shadow Thief

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ready to Face it.

So this is my third month blogging here.

I think I've done pretty well. I have regular readers, and I have found some blogs I love to read. I've even made some pretty lasting friends. Furthermore, I have almost 200 followers, and have consistently held a place in the top 12 Stay-at-home blogs on Top Mommy Blogs (vote for me by clicking the button on my top left sidebar.) I have also won several great awards!

So, I have been thinking. Every day, since I began blogging, and got into this bloggy world, and started promoting my blog on all kinds of blogging communities, I have found the wonderful connection that Memes can be.

And I have had a Meme for every single day of the week almost.

Well, I'm done with those. Well, not really- because I like them. I think some of them are fun, and provoke my creativity. Others are hilarious and i love being able to read other people's versions. I also like the publicity they bring my blog.

However, I am ready to stand on my own two feet. I started this blog so that I could be blatant and up front with my feelings, my life my children, my everything. Tabula Rasa- blank page, ready to be scrawled upon, clean and crisp and cool with it's emptiness, ready to be filled full of fire and emotion. So far, I've done nothing but hide behind the Memes. Well, I'm standing here, ready to face it all.

First things first: Honesty.
A week and a half ago, my mom gave me some very sound advice. "Just don't say anything."

On the 10th of March, I announced my fourth pregnancy in a series of pictures for my Meme "wordless Wednesday"

On Friday, I started my period, and the day ended in sobs as I believed I had miscarried my child. Further research was done, and I learned that what I was experiencing was called a Chemical Pregnancy- where the egg is fertilized, but it fails to implant. It isn't a miscarriage at all, technically. It didn't make it any easier, and I mourned bitterly.

Well, I belong to a December birth club, all of us trying to conceive a child that would be due in December. By accident, I found out today, through a few of the women who seem like experts on conceiving children (one is a nurse at a fertility clinic and is trying to conceive her 5th child), that the blue dye tests give regular false positives- that even the occasional male can gain a positive test from using a blue dye test.

Of course I was shocked. They told me that since I started my period on the expected date, I was likely never pregnant at all, which includes the exclusion of a Chemical pregnancy.

So of course, I'm really relieved. No miscarriage. But still, I am discouraged. No baby.

A week and a half ago, my mom's advice was sound, and correct. I was not yet ready to tell anyone that i was not pregnant. I was not ready to talk about it because when I even THOUGHT about it, I bawled. I was not ready for the forced sympathy or the comments, particularly comments like "Well, you have three children already, just be happy with that." which, yes, I have received.

So i have only told the occasional person, who noticed my mood, who knew me well enough to know that i was not okay, that something was wrong.

Yesterday, when we came home from a day with my mom, I went to bed at 7 while Brandon put the kids to bed, because I was so exhausted i couldn't see straight. I slept until 7:30 in the morning before I woke to my children. I didn't hear my children going to bed or waking in the night. (I hope to high heaven that if they DID wake, Brandon heard them, because usually I am the one who hears them and gets up- unless i wake HIM up and kick him out of bed.) I didn't hear Brandon get into bed, and only stirred a little when he got OUT of bed at 5:30. When I woke up at 7:30, I still could have used 5 more hours.

I'm so absent minded sometimes. I thought nothing of it, because I have mourned my lost or false pregnancy, and I'm on to trying again. This morning, I posted on my face book about sleeping so long, and got over 15 responses about how I'm pregnant, it's to be expected.

Well, I'm not. i was just tired. So there it is, I'm not knocked up. But crossing my fingers for a December baby.

I have to say, though, that i do enjoy my current birth board. Hopefully I can stay instead of moving on to January. But i have to say that I find it pretty interesting how forward women can be on those boards.

I mean, I've been talking to my girlfriends about sex since, well, like the seventh grade, but even now it's joking and giggly when we get all giddy about our husbands or boyfriends. I'm very thankful, though, a little stunned that I can be so forward with women i don't know about such things as sperm, vaginas, ovulation, cervical mucus and sex. It's not a giggly girly thing. It's biology. We're all connected in a pretty intimate way. we're all trying to have a baby.


Casey said...

WOW, I can't believe you got those comments. That is just wrong and in no way beneficial. I will be sending baby dust your way! Take care!

Lindsey said...

Brae, that blows. I've noticed your mood, but didn't want to pry and, I'll be honest, I was praying that you hadn't miscarried. The circumstances certainly don't make it easier when you're deprived of something you want so badly. I'm glad you're okay though. I love you to death!

Lourie said...

I can't believe what people say sometimes. I am so sorry. Chemical or otherwise, you have the right to mourn. And you do need rest. Sleep. And on a lighter note, I look forward to see how your blog unfolds.


J.B. said...

All good things to you and yours, : )

*Jess* said...

I never thought I would be discussing cervical mucous so nonchalantly with people I've never met! Oh, the joys of TTC!

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. And yes, it was a loss. Any time you spend hoping to conceive and then realizing it wasn't your month is a loss. My heart goes out to you!

Michelle said...

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry, Brae. My prayers are with you.

On a happier note, I'm glad you're ready to stand on your own two feet. Yesterday, when no touchy topic was posted, I thought, "Uh oh. She really HAS abandoned her blog..." Admittedly, I do hope touchy topics remain a conversation point around here. They're fun.

Aging Mommy said...

Hi there - as someone who has had two miscarriages and has in the past two years done more pregnancy tests than Halle Berry, I really feel for you. As Jess says it is a loss because when you really think yes, this time I am pregnant then finding out you are not is a loss. So you are perfectly entitled to feel down.

As for your blogging capabilities - you are witty, write well, approach things with a different perspective and write from the heart. So I don't think you need any props to help you write, you can do an amazing job all on your own. So I look forward to reading many more of your posts. Go girl!!!!!!

Andrea said...

I am so sorry to hear that and no matter what or how it all happened you have the right to feel melancholy. I am sending you tons of hugs!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a chemical pregnancy last summer. I cried for days and my husband didn't understand why I was so upset. I know it's hard. Sending loads of baby dust your way!!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I don't care how many kids you have, when you think you're pregnant, only to find that you aren't or have lost one, it is hard! You have every right to feel bad.
Sending you lots of cocoa flavored hugs your way!

And I can't believe you've only been blogging for three months here! Dang! You go girl!

Anne said...

This is such a great post. Thanks for your honesty. I have experienced the loss of babies and no matter how it happens, even just thinking that you are pregnant and then finding out you're not is devastating. I'm so sorry. I have fought the urge to hide on my blog, too, but I think we all need to fight that urge and just go for it. No judgments. The blogging community is here for you!

esianoyam3 said...

You have every right to feel sad, and I'm so sorry that people told you otherwise.

I'm excited to see your new blog posts - I really enjoy reading your blog - it's one of the highlights of my day. :)

Kerri said...

I have experienced the highs and lows of a chemical pregnancy twice. It still hurts when what you thought was a baby turns out to be another month of no success.

I wish you peace in the baby that could have resulted
keep your head up (as you are)
and your sights focused on the one that will hopefully be

Missy said...

You have every right to feel sad and to mourn a loss {chemical pregnancy or not, it's still a loss}. Wishing you the best!
I look forward to your future posts! :)

Mimi said...

Brae, I noticed your mood but decided you would explain if and when you wanted. I hate these type of moments and I am so sorry you had to go thru it. If I was close, I'd be there in a minute to give you a hug and whatever else you needed. We love you guys so much and your family is always in my prayers. We'll see ya soon, love you!

Michelle said...

Pssst... I've nominated you for an award. Stop by and pick it up...

Sherri said...

You are do have a beautiful blog and you are amazing! When you are finally pregnant...that will be the luckiest baby ever! =)
I'm pulling for you!

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