Manic Motherhood at it's FINEST!!

Why "I am NOT a VOLCANO!"

Why "I am NOT a VOLCANO!"
click the volcano for the due explanation
"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." — Gordon B. Hinckley
Exaggeration is the spice of life

Book I am Currently Reading: Peter and The Shadow Thief

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I hate it when I'm wrong

But obviously I'm human. So I'm wrong a lot. Especially lately.

Without going into detail about how my life has sucked lately, in every sense of the word- financially, emotionally, physically, etc- I have to admit that I have been completely blind.

I happen to be a very religious person, I'm LDS, and I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that God has everything in His control, and that our lives are like stories. He knows how it will end, He knows what choices we will make, and while he cannot interfere with our Free Agency, He has his hand in it all. It's a plot. Things are set up so far in advance so that the climax and denouement come together in sync and rhythm and meaning. And I, in no way, am implying that we are God's playthings.

(For a really excellent essay on this, please visit I am pretty sure that this post is about me, as she was the first person that I called to unload my massive amounts of anger-at-God on. She always has the perfect thing to say, and always puts my life into perspective.)

I have never been very in control of my emotions. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, especially if I'm able to put it into written word (or type it, as it were.) and I know how I am supposed to behave, both socially and religiously.

You know how you always hear these great stories about men and women in the scriptures who obeyed God and didn't even complain when they were faced with trials and tribulation a thousand times worse than my own. The stories of Sarah, who waited 90 years to have a child, and Rachael, whose husband loved her best, and yet her sister was the one who gave him son after son after son. I have little right to feel sorry for myself. (Though, my bitterness is only in small part connected to my desire for a child. There are other things that just make the stress of it so much more intense.)

And yet, I have zero idea how to change the way I feel. I don't know how to not be jealous. I don't know how to feel peace, to calm my nerves. I can keep my mouth shut, and not complain about things. I'm sure I can do that. (It's very possible that my head might physically explode, but I'm sure i could do it.) I do not know, though, how to change the way I feel. How can I change my behavior, the way that I approach things, if I cannot change the way i feel? And I have wondered, sometimes out loud, lately, what exactly IS wrong with complaining? I feel crappy. Why can't i just throw it out there and say it like it is?

Today, I ranted on the phone to my husband, soooo infinitely more patient with me and my hopeless shortcomings than I am with his. And I really finally heard myself talking. I heard how i sounded. I heard how ungrateful I was being, and how I was overlooking every miracle, every tender mercy, and every answered prayer (and there has been no shortage in the last year and a half.) I was seeing all our problems and wondering why we weren't being blessed with the things we are promised because of our faith and obedience, so overwhelmed with what I WANTED that I didn't stop to notice that we WERE being blessed, more abundantly than we deserved, because we were always given what we needed to survive, and to thrive.

And I had to take a step back, and change my thoughts. I have to be calm, and I have to TRUST. Because everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

So, I'm asking Him- "Help thou my unbelief."

So many things i have in my life. My beautiful, brilliant children. My home, my family. Every time we get some kind of financial windfall, something falls apart. And we spend the money on the broken thing instead of what I sometimes feel would be a much needed vacation, or to pay off debt. This is NOT supposed to be annoying, it is a tender mercy. It is protection. It's God's hand in my life, to make things fair. To set things up. To take care of me, and my children.

The part that still sucks, and will always suck, because I hate not knowing what is going on, is that I will never know what's coming. I will try to have faith and I will try to be fearless. But I don't know how my story ends. And that freaks me the heck out.


Casey said...

You should know that you are not alone. I go through the same thoughts as you. It is easier said than done putting your complete trust in God and not worrying. I work on this everyday

The JAMC Johnsons said...

I definitely have trouble with this, too. I know I am blessed, even when things suck, but it's really hard to see that sometimes. And I've been in your shoes where I've heard myself sounding ungrateful. It ain't pretty! But I know we all make mistakes, so I just try to keep plugging along, doing my best.

Lindsey said...

We are so alike in some ways. I've been dealing with a some similar emotions. If you need/want to talk about some things that have helped me or just need someone who getsit, PLEASE give me a call. Love ya.

Aging Mommy said...

It is human nature to be acquisitive and strive always for better things in life - if it wasn't we would all still be living in caves and hunting in the woods. So it is a blessing but sometimes also a curse because no matter how good life is we always want the next, better thing. Sometimes you have to take a step back as you are doing and realize yes, life is good and there are people out there who really do have it bad (millions in Haiti right now for example). I need to do that more often myself.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I think it says a lot that you have stepped back and have realized the blessings in your life.

It may not change the fact that it is hard or that life really does just suck sometimes.

But that God really does love us and watches out for us. He wants us to be happy.

Easier said than done? Sure, it is part of being human. But you are doing awesome. And believe that too!

Mimi said...

Oh Brae... I know this so well... I find my own self doing the very same things, and then Kelly will remind me of all the many little blessings we are getting that are in actuality, big blessings because if it wasn't for those little things... we would be in such worse shape. It's just hard sometimes for me to see that, when I am in the midst of trials. UGH... it's all part of our growing I guess. I think James E. Faust says it best...

There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify and thus they bless. -James E. Faust-

Doesn't make it any easier, but for me, this quote came at a time when I needed it most a couple of weeks ago as Kelly lost one of his contracting jobs and we found ourselves once again without certain income. It kind of gave me perspective and basically called me to repentance for my incessant complaining.

Thank you for sharing... life is hard and it's nice to know that we are all in it together. Love ya!

BerganStarr said...

Hey Brae! I kind of understand...I complain and don't focus on the good things...and one of the things I've always struggled with is changing thoughts and feelings. I can do what I'm supposed to but feel angry or resentful the whole time-I'm no help there...reading this I thought of a quote from my BOM manuel that I really liked about trials:

"When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." -Richard G. Scott

Lourie said...

That is a hard one. You are on the right course though recognizing those blessings and tender mercies. One time in Sunday School many moons ago, someone pointed out that the bible and the Book of Mormon often say, "And it came to pass..." I always thought that was an interesting way to look at trials. It's hard when we are in it, but it's true. Prayers are with you.

Shmonae said...

I wish I didn't understand, but I do :)
I remember during one of the hardest times in my life someone *wise* said to me, "Janae, someday you will be grateful for these trials." I thought he was crazy. I was in Hell.
But you know what..? He was absolutely right. Those times shaped me for who I am now, they are part of me. A part that is more compassionate, patient, and strong. I wouldn't trade it, but also wouldn't ask for more :)
Hang in there. Try to look back at Heavenly Fathers hand in your life and hit will give you hope and comfort in the future.

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