Manic Motherhood at it's FINEST!!

Why "I am NOT a VOLCANO!"

Why "I am NOT a VOLCANO!"
click the volcano for the due explanation
"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." — Gordon B. Hinckley
Exaggeration is the spice of life

Book I am Currently Reading: Peter and The Shadow Thief

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Consider the Lilies.

Every October (and every April), worldwide, the members of the LDS church gather, watch on television, and listen on the radio, on the Internet, employing all manner of media to listen to our living Prophet and the Apostles and other leaders of our church speak to us the words that Christ would deliver should he stand at the pulpit himself.

Today is such a day.

Often, my spirit is harrowed up by the words our leaders speak. Many times, I realize my need to repent and to change because their words have struck a chord that was not in harmony with my spirit. And so I need to tune it to be in harmony with their council. I'm usually annoyed, then, by the people who talk about how comforting the talks were, and how their spirits were uplifted. Yes, it does say something about me, that I am not able to be comforted. Either those other souls are on the right track and doing wonderfully with their spiritual progression, or they didn't 'get' it. If I were a good soul, I would rejoice that they were doing wonderfully. Sometimes, I just bitterly think they must be ignorant.

Spiritual comfort is something I find difficult to come by, though, in any sense.

When my parents were found unconscious because of carbon monoxide poisoning and when Scarlet pulled a television onto her face, I was wracked with worry and terror while everyone around me felt comforted by the spirit, feeling assured that things would be alright. When I am having life difficulties, I rarely find comfort from them within my soul, knowing that eventually things will be okay.

My husband has been under employed since May.

That's really hard to admit. He has applied to job after job, rocked interview after interview, and been rejected again and again. I'm not sure who they are finding better than he is, but apparently, everyone is. I could go on and on about how wonderful he is, how professional, how dedicated, how he would be an asset to any company, and it would all be true- not just some wife bragging about her husband who isn't really as great as she thinks. He really IS that great. But I won't because it won't do any good, and I have a further point to make.

I am very thankful for our church. I am thankful for the internal welfare system within the church, and for our bishop and our ward. Without them, we would be broken and lost. We don't make quite half of what we need to make in order to provide for our family. And it isn't for lack of trying. It's not for laziness.

And I feel absolutely panic stricken.

Over the summer, it was not difficult to imagine financial capability before the holidays. If it wasn't one job, it was sure to be the next one. Or the next. Or the next. And now, we look at 12 weeks until Christmas and I have nothing to give my children.

On a more troubling note, I have nothing with which to buy my children winter clothes or shoes. They have coats from last year that will fit this year. I can hand Mahone's snow boots down to Scarlet, but Mahone can't wear Lilly's- pink with gray fur. There is nothing to hand down to Teague, as when Mahone was Teague's size, it was summer time. My children need things to keep them warm this winter.

Recently, deep in the night, I was wakened from sleep with worry in my heart. I lay staring at my ceiling, Brandon breathing deeply next to me, and a desperate prayer in my heart. "How will I take care of them? When will I be able to get them things to keep them warm? Will they have to wear the crocs they've worn all summer through the snow and slush? Surely their little feet would not stay warm that way.

I cried myself to sleep, feeling restless, exhausted, worn out and hopeless.

In those moments between waking and sleeping, I heard the words: "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; They toil not, neither do they spin."

This is not a scripture I had memorized. I DID recognize the beginning, "consider the lilies" because of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and the fact that they sing a song about it nearly every single conference. In the morning I looked it up:

Matthew 6:28 - "And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin."

In honesty, I was shocked. A little spooked. But in a good way, not a scary way.

I have since been able to pass all of Mahone's clothes down to Scarlet, and truth be told, it all looks darling on her. Someone at work brought several bags of clothes to work because she has two girls and was discarding their old clothes. She knew Brandon had children, and told him he could have the clothes. In them were dozens of cute, girly shirts and dresses that fit my girls. Shortly after that, Brandon's aunt brought over a bunch of clothes her 8 year old son has outgrown. I now have pants that fit both Lilly and Mahone. I still don't have anything for Teague, and I am not really, in much of a sense, very comforted.

It isn't comfortable, no matter how you look at it, no matter how many tender mercies you receive, to be living on the welfare of others. We are still looking for a new job that will pay adequately. We are still hoping that someone will give us a break. Christmas is coming, and I don't know where I'll get the gifts for my children.

In all my distress, in all my panic attacks, in all my uncertainty, it doesn't pay to give up. Giving up and being bitter will not make something click that will allow my husband to secure a job. Giving up will not make things better. But hanging on just might.

Peace may only come a moment at a time. But I once heard a line that makes a lot of sense to me: "Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

True words, my friends.


The Good, The Bad, & The Family said...

You will get through this. This God's way of teaching you (usually the giver) to recieve. I had this lesson last year when I lost my job due to pregnancy bed rest. We got resourceful (I suggest Ebay for winter clothes) and learned to rely on the amazing people God blessed us with and to do it without pride. This is just a season, and it will pass. Sending love and prayer!

Margaret (@goodbadfamily)

Rosann said...

Oh how I understand the worry, the frustration, the impatience you feel over your situation.

My husband has been unemployed for just over 2yrs now. We moved our family from Southern CA to western PA shortly after the auto finance company we worked at closed their doors and let go of thousands of employees. Our story is really a faith journey in that we moved somewhere to be closer to family knowing we were limiting my husband's job opportunities, but trusting the path we feel God put us on. It has been a long, difficult, and emotionally draining two years. At a women's retreat this weekend, a friend of mine had all of us read Hebrews 11 in its entirety. I don't know how I've gone all this time without reading Hebrews 11 before. It was very encouraging about the need to remain strong in faith, trusting God with the details of this life. The other thing my friend mentioned is that every tragedy that happens in our life has already passed through God's hands before reaching us, meaning He has allowed it to happen for some reason. Usually that reason, in the big picture of life, is so we can grow closer to Him or experience some other wonderful blessing out of it. I don't know if that helps encourage you. It did encourage me and it is a truth I've known all along in my heart, but is always comforting to hear over and over again.

Stay strong and trust God. He's got you and your family wrapped up safely in His mighty hands. He knows what's best for all of you and He is working in your life and providing exactly what you need, when you need it.

Covering you in prayer, my friend.

Many blessings,

I'm NOT a VOLCANO! said...

Hebrews 11:1 I love and know by heart. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." LOVE that verse. Inspiring. Thank you everyone, for your encouraging words.

Becky Jane said...

I didn't start REALLY enjoying General Conference until I was older. Sometimes I would get discouraged about being reminded about all the things I wasn't doing. Sometimes I was grateful to be reminded of the good things I was doing.

Now I sit back, relax and just soak it all in, making note of a FEW things I can do to be better instead of making a long list.

You're on the right track...and now you know He answers our prayers! :o)

Mercedes said...

My husband teared up when they started singing Consider the Lilies. We were pregnant with triplets and lost two of them. One early, one after birth. The third was in NICU for two months and has been home for a little over a month now. He told me that he would hold her in NICU and that's the song he would sing. Isn't it amazing we're all touched by the same thing, but in such different ways?

We'll all be provided for. I believe this. :)

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