"Mawige...mawige is what bwings us togevor today...." -The Princess Bride

Yeah...Like I'm going to take THAT advice. 

I got married when I was 21. Brandon was 22. Yeah, I know. We were young. So, of course, everyone thought that 1. We needed to be told how hard marriage is, 2. were we really sure we wanted to do this? It was okay to change my mind- before the wedding. And then they'd go on ahead and give us all KINDS of cliche advice that everyone has heard  since they were 5 years old. 

I was so  sick of it by the time we finally tied the knot. And half the people giving me the advice were divorced at least once, or weren't even married themselves. It was literally like I would walk into a room, and people would begin telling me not to go to bed angry (everyone thinks this is the best advice in the world, when really, it's one of the worst.) or some other seemingly wise advice and I would hear a droning "blah blah blah blah blah" streaming from their lips as I figuratively read "My marriage failed because I took this advice" written across their foreheads. 

Well, everyone was right on one thing. Marriage was hard. And it hasn't gotten any easier. BETTER for certain, but never EASY.  And trust me, we've had all the highs and lows that are expected. We've been married almost 9 years. NINE YEARS! Holy CRAP! 

Now, I know that, while 9 years is 1/3 of my life, so that seems like a really long time to me, we're still pretty "new" to this thing, and there are still challenges to come.  Still, though, I think I've been married long enough to have separated the good and the bad advice. 

Good Marriage Advice:

1. Laugh. Have a sense of humor.

       ~There is SO MUCH in life that ends up being a choice between sobbing uncontrollably or giggling incessantly. Choose the latter. Even if the situation at hand isn't terribly funny, it WILL be later. I have also read that inside jokes bring couples closer. In my time as a wife, I have found this to be true. Having fun little secrets that you laugh and share together but with no one else, adds to all those things that ONLY the two of you share. Something to think on. 

2. Communicate.

       ~Honestly, 100% true, just about every single one of the issues that Brandon and I have come from a lack of communication.  And this isn't just referring to the common courtesy of calling to say you'll be late from work- this is also all about letting the other person know how you're feeling. My husband works 2 jobs and goes to school. I don't see him often. And that means that sometimes, I get pretty lonely, and even feel a little bit abandoned. I have 2 choices. I can sit here feeling sorry for myself, and get madder and madder, and then I start to resent him, and then, without warning, there's a wedge between us. ORRRR, I can give him a call (since the cell phone is our main source of contact these days) and let him know how I'm feeling. He won't know if I don't tell him. From there, we can plan some time, one on one, so that we both feel better. 

3. Put your marriage first. 

        ~ I have had multiple arguments with online friends about this. A lot of women, particularly those with children, feel that their marriage takes the back seat. Of course, the reason is always children. (You know, all those perfect mommies out there who are so passionately in love with their kids that it becomes creepy?) Some women can't wrap their minds around this. Why would one EVER put her husband before her children? He can dress himself, right? He can feed himself.  He can drive and spend money and speak his own mind. Babies are different. And they NEEEEEEED us. Well guess what- in about 18 years or so, that baby who needs you so much is going to grow up, move out, have their own baby, and they're not going to need you anymore. Heck, by the time they're 7, they don't really NEEEEEED you anymore.  At least not in the same way. And you will be left with your spouse, just you and him. And either you'll have to start all over building that marriage on love and trust and, to an extent, necessary dependency, or, it's going to fizzle, and you'll be telling your college kid that you're getting a divorce. The thing is, putting your marriage first doesn't mean that you can't feed your baby. It doesn't mean that you can't meet your child's needs. It doesn't mean you have to choose between your husband and your child. (Believe it or not birth-board-mommies, your son is not your lover, and your daughter is not your girl-friend.) It DOES mean that, for example, even though you feel strongly about co-sleeping, if your husband ends up sleeping on the couch because of it, you make the decision to put your baby in her bed and  let your husband back into HIS bed so that he can feel like he has a place that belongs to the both of you and the both of you only. It means that even though your worry and don't want to be away from your baby, you suck it up and let grandma babysit so you and your husband can have a night free of children and talk about grownup stuff...and DO grown up stuff...if you get my drift. 

4. Have your OWN hobbies. 

        ~Of course, it's always good to do things together. Brandon and I share a lot of opinions. We love a lot of the same books, we love a lot of the same movies, we're both actors, singers, writers, and we, both extroverts, rarely have a quiet moment. We talk about everything and anything. BUT, we also do a lot of things on our own. I blog, and I create. I make all kinds of crafty things. Brandon supports me, but he isn't particularly crafty and doesn't really participate. Brandon is into comic books and video games and biological anthropology. Lots of times, we still talk about these things- but mainly, they remain our own. The point is balance. In addition to putting your marriage first, you also have to have your own identity. You need to be able to look at yourself and see a person of value that is valid even when separate from your partner....or your kids.

5. Marriage isn't always passionate. 
          ~ Sometimes, the romance isn't there. A lot of couples mistake this for falling out of love, and then the marriage fails. REAL love means sticking through that low part. Because it DOES get better again. Otherwise, there wasn't ever real love there. It was only lust. A marriage based on that isn't going to last long anyway. Something that's always helped us: Make-out sessions. No commitment necessary. Draw the line, and act like "it" is off limits. Believe me. It works.


6. Forgive.
           ~We are all going to screw up. Let's be graceful about it. Give forgiveness, and know you'll need forgiveness.

7. My husband's best advice for the guys- Help out without expecting her to put out. In fact, don't even expect a thank you. 
            ~Remember that, just because you may be the primary bread winner, or you might be tired from working, or you might be that really "normal" guy who just wants to get in his wife's pants, realize that, especially if she has kids at home, her day has been as rough as yours, if not rougher. Do the dishes, cook a meal, get the kids ready for bed- without asking, and without expecting her to sleep with you because of it. In my experience, it makes my chances better...but it doesn't guarantee anything. And that's okay. Women are different than we are. It's okay, admirable, and gentlemanly to pick up the slack.

Bad Marriage Advice

1. If you have to argue, do it naked.
       ~What?! I've never tried this, but I never would. I suppose the theory is that it makes you vulnerable, and therefore more likely to be open to the other person's ideas and solutions. I think it sounds humiliating. Not that I'm advocating total control or anything, obviously, in an argument, the end goal shouldn't be ONE WINNER, but a mutual solution. But humiliation is hardly the way to go either. Arguing about something that, obviously, you feel strongly about, comes with it's own set of exposure. Opening up enough to talk about it, to argue about it, to get it out on the table can be difficult enough to do. Don't make it harder by adding unnecessary stress. 

2.Don't  criticize each other. 
       ~Once, in a church lesson, someone told this story about a couple who loved each other so much that when they got married, they made a decision to never EVER criticize each other. However, the man had this way of peeling a grapefruit like an orange and eating it like an orange that just drove the wife crazy. But the years went on and she didn't say anything, until one day, she just got fed up. She said that, if she could address ONE thing that bothered her about him, he could say just ONE about her. The man agreed. So, the wife went off about his grapefruit habit, and complained and complained, and then, when it was the man's turn, he shook his head and said he loved her so he wasn't going to criticize anything.   To me, that is utter bull crap.  We are human. We are going to do things, in a marriage, that drive each other bonkers. It is unrealistic to think that we can actually NOT EVER criticize each other, and holding it all in because you want to be the perfect spouse doesn't actually MAKE you a perfect spouse. It just makes you resentful inside. The point is, criticism should be constructive. If you hate the way your husband peels his grapefruit and eats it like an orange, instead of saying "That is so stupid! EW! I HATE the way you do that!" it's much better to say "You know, that kind of drives me crazy. Could you maybe not do it in front of me? Maybe eat it while you're at work? Thanks!" - stuff that bugs us needs to be addressed. But it doesn't have to be mean.

3. Don't go to bed mad.
         ~Oh my gosh, I think this is actually my LEAST favorite of all advice. It's so utterly stupid, it makes me want to spit nails. I'm sorry, but some stuff isn't solvable in one night. More than once, I have stomped to bed on my own, given my husband the cold shoulder, and gone to sleep without talking to him. You see, after a good night sleep, in the morning, I have a fresh view on things. My opinion may not change, in fact, it rarely does. BUT, from there, I can rationally discuss the situation. Even if I have to go to bed mad the  next night. See, it doesn't do ANYONE any good at all if you're both exhausted from staying up all night because you're mad, and then going to work the next day, still seething, still tired. It just makes ME more likely to say things I don't mean, and to be even more angry later. What IS important is to not go to bed mad and then wake up and ignore the situation. Make sure you reopen the topic when you feel you are in control of yourself and your temper.

4. Never withhold sex because you're upset about something. 
         ~Again, I have to say WHAT!? This is so stupid. It isn't LIKE that. I mean, if I'm really upset about something, and my husband wants to get all up in my business, well, it's not going to happen. All that will do is make me resent him. Sex brings people closer together when things are good between them, when they feel safe, loved, and confident in their relationship. It makes things WORSE when things aren't good, when they don't feel safe, when they are closed off, and when things aren't good. I know. I've been there done that.

5. Just don't do it.
           ~Believe me, I am not a romantic. I mean, I like romance just like any weepy girl out there...but I am sometimes too realistic for my own good. NOT marrying someone you love- I mean REALLY do love- is a bad idea. That's only partially my religious Mormon-girl persona talking. But I truly believe that. Make the commitment to each other. That certificate saying you belong to each other really DOES mean something. Don't let your parents' bad choices and mistakes dictate what YOU do or how YOUR marriage turns out. Break the vicious cycle and be a good example to YOUR kids.

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What is the BEST and/or WORST marriage advice YOU ever received?

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Thankfulness Project, Day 22, Touchy Topic Tuesday: My Parenting Style Is Better Than Yours!!!!

Thankfulness Project, Day 22

November 22, 2011, Tuesday

I'm so very thankful for snow- soft, tiny bits of clouds that spread a silent white blanket over sleeping cities so that we can wake to a winter wonderland. Well...that and steam fresh pasta. 5 minutes to a meal my kids will eat.

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Touchy Topic Tuesday:

I'm Right and You're Wrong. MY parenting is better than YOUR parenting!

If you know me at all, you know I have strong opinions. I have a certain way I do things, and I want to be left to do them that way.

Generally speaking, I have a strict "no judgement" policy for myself. I don't judge moms in the store whose kids are throwing fits, or whose 5 year olds have pacifiers. Unless the guy full on beats his child in front of me, I don't assume that the father who, in line at checkout, tells his kid to stand THERE, don't TOUCH anything, and BE QUIET, is abusive, neglecting his child, or has otherwise, as one dad blogger put it "broke" his kid. (http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html) - BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE! I have been the mom with a normally sweet and well behaved child freaking out because she can't ride in the cart, or I told him he couldn't have that 22 dollar toy. I had a son who had his pacifier until he was almost 2 because we moved twice and his father spent 6 months away at a tech school in another state, and he took it hard and in the midst of it, I felt it was cruel to take away a source of comfort at the same time. And how the heck does someone know, when they've seen a parent and child for a total of 5 minutes, exactly what is going on? I'm sure there's a "perfect" mom's blog post out there about me and my kids because somewhere, in some line, after a long day and my kid (or multiple kids) simply WOULD NOT stop asking for something, even though I'd said "no" twelve times, and COULDN'T keep his hands off of EVERYTHING in the store, and absolutely REFUSED just stand there for TWO MORE MINUTES while I finished running a necessary errand. It's certainly easy for a dad who only has his kid every other weekend to have a bleeding heart about a little boy who "just wants a little ice cream." - Guess what? Parenthood, for MOST of us, isn't just a whole bunch of fun and games and excellent bonding experiences over chocolate vanilla twists with bubblegum on top. If a parent was hitting their child, would I call authorities? You bet. If someone was swearing profusely at their child or calling them extremely hurtful names, would I call authorities? You bet. But a swift spank on the bottom when a kid is out of line is NOT abuse, and while it's probably not appropriate, a mom shrieking "What's wrong with you!" when her kid knocks over an entire stack of oranges after she tells him calmly three times to PLEASE stay by the cart is also probably pretty innocent. The point is, you don't know ANYTHING from watching a parent for two isles in a store. There are hundreds of ways to correctly and effectively raise a healthy, successful child, and pretty much, if it's not your kid, it's not your business.

But I digress.

I am a fairly seasoned parent as far as infants go. I have successfully helped four of them survive past the newborn stage, and three of them are now in school. With every pregnancy, I obsessed over parenting articles, books, studies, procedures and so on. I pretty much have decided the best things for me and my family with my first child- everything I've read since has simply solidified my decisions. I have had epidurals with all four of my babies. I have ASKED for early induction with two of my children. I have had all of my babies sleeping through the night by 6 weeks. I vaccinate fully and on time. I give my babies pacifiers, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my oldest daughter sucks her thumb at night. I have breastfed some of my children, and I have not breastfed others. I believe the "family bed" is dangerous, and I put my babies on their backs to sleep in their own cribs. I feed them solids much earlier than is recommended, and I spank. I have circumcised both my boys and no, I don't think it is anything NEAR worthy of comparing to female circumcision.

Speaking of circumcision (no, this is not the topic today), a discussion on the matter is exactly what inspired my topic.

Now, it has come to my attention that, generally, when a mother (particularly those who participate in online parenting forums- you all know my trainwreck relationship with them.) feels strongly about a topic, anyone who has a different opinion on the subject is simply misinformed and, surely, if they had all the information, they would change their mind. Of course, that mother will inevitably feel that it is her duty to supply the information. If the mother she is trying to convince insists that she has read enough information and discussed the situation with her pediatrician (since, heaven forbid any parent make any decision at all without the consent of her child's doctor) and feels it is the best decision for her family, the dutiful mother will find ways to shoot down all the information the mother in question read, and also point out that doctors don't know everything, and that they prescribe medications and suggest formulas because they get kickbacks and favor mutilating surgeries such as circumcision for the simple fact that it makes them more money- so, in conclusion, a mother can't even trust a medical physician because they're out to get her AND her child. (And half of them think that there's a conspiracy doctors employ. They lecture regularly about not letting baby boy out of your sight lest the nurses circumcise him without your permission because they feel it's what's best. Having had to sign dozens of release forms and verbally give permission to several different people, I can assure you that's not true.) BUT, of course, if HER pediatrician supports her decision NOT to circumcise, he is, surely, enlightened.

Now, circumcision was the conversation that bloomed into this Touchy topic Tuesday and it wasn't the act itself. In fact, I guess one could say that it was ear piercing that really started the whole thing. Apparently, putting two tiny holes in a little girls ears without her express permission is mutilation, and irreparable, it seems. (Tell that to my ears that have been pierced three times!)

The conversation that happened is rather predictable, and in this case, doesn't matter much- at least not until the end.

You see, a good ten minute situation passed while the other mom tried to convince me that I had made a wrong choice. (Great friend, huh? Lets just try and convince a mom that she has permanently damaged her perfect baby boy, and leave her with the knowledge that there's nothing she can do about it, and that she was so devastatingly wrong that her child will never know what it's like to be complete. Sounds compassionate.) Such excellent words as "abusive" and "disgusting" and, believe it or not, "how could anyone who cares about their child DO something like that?"

Of course, I'm ever so much more eloquent when I write than when I speak, and I only ever think up the perfect comebacks AFTER someone behaves like a heathen to me. So I just sat there and let her say her piece, and when she finished, I just said "I would do it again. I just feel like this is the best decision I could make for my sons right now."

Before she turned on her heel and swaggered away, she told me "You know what your problem is, Brae? You just think your way is the right way, and you're usually wrong."

I cracked up right then and there, with my fat baby boy drooling and laughing right along with me.

What's so funny? SHE'S RIGHT!!!! At least in part. I DO think I'm right! But she's wrong too. I'm not usually wrong. Not when it comes to MY children. I have read as many studies and weighed as many decisions as she has- in fact, I've weighed more. Two more, to be precise.

I have heard it said before that moms who have older children think they have it all figured out and that they ignore new studies because they have been doing a certain thing for so long, they feel that "if it's not broke, don't fix it"- even if the new information means something healthier for their newer child.

In a sense, I agree- there was a lot of trial and error with my oldest child, but from there on, I had several more children very close together, and I sailed through. What I do with them works- they are happy, respectful, healthy children who, for the most part, get along with each other. And it's not like they're 15 years apart. I have four of them and my oldest is six. And, as I mentioned earlier, I re-researched everything with every pregnancy. And I'm not above change. I just sometimes think it's stupid. For example, when I was pregnant with Scarlet, the big BPA plastic scare was the big "thing." - I considered switching to glass bottles, and in the end, after studying many MANY official scientific studies, not stupid google scare tactic ridden articles by bloggers who know nothing, I settled on BPA free plastic. A good compromise. With Teague, the big issue was that new studies were apparently showing that the earlier you introduce solids, the more likely a child is to develop allergies to foods as well as obesity. Well....I used my own brain on this one and concluded that as far as obesity is concerned, it has more to do with WHAT and HOW MUCH a parent feeds their child throughout their whole life, as well as how much exercise a child gets, not how early they introduce solids. And it is my personal opinion that the opposite is true as far as allergies go. The United States is the only country that suggests longer waiting periods before introducing solids, and the United States has the highest number of food allergies among children. On every birth board, moms gasp angrily because grandma slipped baby a bit of bread while the family had dinner, or a taste of applesauce during snack time. Heaven forbid ice cream passes his lips before the exact moment of his first birthday. (Newsflash: dairy isn't poison, even before one year. No, I don't recommend giving your 6 month old a bottle of cows milk, but a bite of dad's ice cream once or twice isn't going to do so much as give your baby a stomach ache.) "OMG!!! Don't you know that giving my baby a strawberry before he's 5 will give him an allergy?!!!" - says a woman from a generation in which food allergies among children were rarely heard of, but who is the parent to a child from the generation that is riddled with food allergies. The difference? The older mother never worried about feeding her child foods he would be eating eventually anyway, and the younger mother is so terrified of everything she reads that she doesn't let her baby have anything but breastmilk until he's one year old or older. Heck, in India, peanut allergies are entirely unheard of, and they start feeding their babies table food almost immediately- table food that is almost always cooked in peanut oil. In America, we wait until they are two.

So, I feed my kids whatever I'm making for dinner, as soon as they look interested. And none of my kids have any allergies at all. Yeah, yeah, I know. Anecdotal evidence. Whatever. It's working for me. Why should I change it?

The glory in all of this is, while I refuse to acknowledge any other mother's accusations that I'm doing something wrong with my children, the fact that I'm right doesn't mean they're wrong.

I just don't want people who don't know me or my kids or what's going on to sit and tell me that I'm doing something wrong. When you spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with my kids, and know them as well as I do- in and out, up and down, interests and disinterests, and everything in between, THEN you can make the parenting decisions.

What I want to know now is- What are YOU right about? What are YOU right about that everyone else is wrong about? At least when it comes to YOUR family, what are you doing right?

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