Thankfulness Project, Day 22, Touchy Topic Tuesday: My Parenting Style Is Better Than Yours!!!!

Thankfulness Project, Day 22

November 22, 2011, Tuesday

I'm so very thankful for snow- soft, tiny bits of clouds that spread a silent white blanket over sleeping cities so that we can wake to a winter wonderland. Well...that and steam fresh pasta. 5 minutes to a meal my kids will eat.

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Touchy Topic Tuesday:

I'm Right and You're Wrong. MY parenting is better than YOUR parenting!

If you know me at all, you know I have strong opinions. I have a certain way I do things, and I want to be left to do them that way.

Generally speaking, I have a strict "no judgement" policy for myself. I don't judge moms in the store whose kids are throwing fits, or whose 5 year olds have pacifiers. Unless the guy full on beats his child in front of me, I don't assume that the father who, in line at checkout, tells his kid to stand THERE, don't TOUCH anything, and BE QUIET, is abusive, neglecting his child, or has otherwise, as one dad blogger put it "broke" his kid. (http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html) - BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE! I have been the mom with a normally sweet and well behaved child freaking out because she can't ride in the cart, or I told him he couldn't have that 22 dollar toy. I had a son who had his pacifier until he was almost 2 because we moved twice and his father spent 6 months away at a tech school in another state, and he took it hard and in the midst of it, I felt it was cruel to take away a source of comfort at the same time. And how the heck does someone know, when they've seen a parent and child for a total of 5 minutes, exactly what is going on? I'm sure there's a "perfect" mom's blog post out there about me and my kids because somewhere, in some line, after a long day and my kid (or multiple kids) simply WOULD NOT stop asking for something, even though I'd said "no" twelve times, and COULDN'T keep his hands off of EVERYTHING in the store, and absolutely REFUSED just stand there for TWO MORE MINUTES while I finished running a necessary errand. It's certainly easy for a dad who only has his kid every other weekend to have a bleeding heart about a little boy who "just wants a little ice cream." - Guess what? Parenthood, for MOST of us, isn't just a whole bunch of fun and games and excellent bonding experiences over chocolate vanilla twists with bubblegum on top. If a parent was hitting their child, would I call authorities? You bet. If someone was swearing profusely at their child or calling them extremely hurtful names, would I call authorities? You bet. But a swift spank on the bottom when a kid is out of line is NOT abuse, and while it's probably not appropriate, a mom shrieking "What's wrong with you!" when her kid knocks over an entire stack of oranges after she tells him calmly three times to PLEASE stay by the cart is also probably pretty innocent. The point is, you don't know ANYTHING from watching a parent for two isles in a store. There are hundreds of ways to correctly and effectively raise a healthy, successful child, and pretty much, if it's not your kid, it's not your business.

But I digress.

I am a fairly seasoned parent as far as infants go. I have successfully helped four of them survive past the newborn stage, and three of them are now in school. With every pregnancy, I obsessed over parenting articles, books, studies, procedures and so on. I pretty much have decided the best things for me and my family with my first child- everything I've read since has simply solidified my decisions. I have had epidurals with all four of my babies. I have ASKED for early induction with two of my children. I have had all of my babies sleeping through the night by 6 weeks. I vaccinate fully and on time. I give my babies pacifiers, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my oldest daughter sucks her thumb at night. I have breastfed some of my children, and I have not breastfed others. I believe the "family bed" is dangerous, and I put my babies on their backs to sleep in their own cribs. I feed them solids much earlier than is recommended, and I spank. I have circumcised both my boys and no, I don't think it is anything NEAR worthy of comparing to female circumcision.

Speaking of circumcision (no, this is not the topic today), a discussion on the matter is exactly what inspired my topic.

Now, it has come to my attention that, generally, when a mother (particularly those who participate in online parenting forums- you all know my trainwreck relationship with them.) feels strongly about a topic, anyone who has a different opinion on the subject is simply misinformed and, surely, if they had all the information, they would change their mind. Of course, that mother will inevitably feel that it is her duty to supply the information. If the mother she is trying to convince insists that she has read enough information and discussed the situation with her pediatrician (since, heaven forbid any parent make any decision at all without the consent of her child's doctor) and feels it is the best decision for her family, the dutiful mother will find ways to shoot down all the information the mother in question read, and also point out that doctors don't know everything, and that they prescribe medications and suggest formulas because they get kickbacks and favor mutilating surgeries such as circumcision for the simple fact that it makes them more money- so, in conclusion, a mother can't even trust a medical physician because they're out to get her AND her child. (And half of them think that there's a conspiracy doctors employ. They lecture regularly about not letting baby boy out of your sight lest the nurses circumcise him without your permission because they feel it's what's best. Having had to sign dozens of release forms and verbally give permission to several different people, I can assure you that's not true.) BUT, of course, if HER pediatrician supports her decision NOT to circumcise, he is, surely, enlightened.

Now, circumcision was the conversation that bloomed into this Touchy topic Tuesday and it wasn't the act itself. In fact, I guess one could say that it was ear piercing that really started the whole thing. Apparently, putting two tiny holes in a little girls ears without her express permission is mutilation, and irreparable, it seems. (Tell that to my ears that have been pierced three times!)

The conversation that happened is rather predictable, and in this case, doesn't matter much- at least not until the end.

You see, a good ten minute situation passed while the other mom tried to convince me that I had made a wrong choice. (Great friend, huh? Lets just try and convince a mom that she has permanently damaged her perfect baby boy, and leave her with the knowledge that there's nothing she can do about it, and that she was so devastatingly wrong that her child will never know what it's like to be complete. Sounds compassionate.) Such excellent words as "abusive" and "disgusting" and, believe it or not, "how could anyone who cares about their child DO something like that?"

Of course, I'm ever so much more eloquent when I write than when I speak, and I only ever think up the perfect comebacks AFTER someone behaves like a heathen to me. So I just sat there and let her say her piece, and when she finished, I just said "I would do it again. I just feel like this is the best decision I could make for my sons right now."

Before she turned on her heel and swaggered away, she told me "You know what your problem is, Brae? You just think your way is the right way, and you're usually wrong."

I cracked up right then and there, with my fat baby boy drooling and laughing right along with me.

What's so funny? SHE'S RIGHT!!!! At least in part. I DO think I'm right! But she's wrong too. I'm not usually wrong. Not when it comes to MY children. I have read as many studies and weighed as many decisions as she has- in fact, I've weighed more. Two more, to be precise.

I have heard it said before that moms who have older children think they have it all figured out and that they ignore new studies because they have been doing a certain thing for so long, they feel that "if it's not broke, don't fix it"- even if the new information means something healthier for their newer child.

In a sense, I agree- there was a lot of trial and error with my oldest child, but from there on, I had several more children very close together, and I sailed through. What I do with them works- they are happy, respectful, healthy children who, for the most part, get along with each other. And it's not like they're 15 years apart. I have four of them and my oldest is six. And, as I mentioned earlier, I re-researched everything with every pregnancy. And I'm not above change. I just sometimes think it's stupid. For example, when I was pregnant with Scarlet, the big BPA plastic scare was the big "thing." - I considered switching to glass bottles, and in the end, after studying many MANY official scientific studies, not stupid google scare tactic ridden articles by bloggers who know nothing, I settled on BPA free plastic. A good compromise. With Teague, the big issue was that new studies were apparently showing that the earlier you introduce solids, the more likely a child is to develop allergies to foods as well as obesity. Well....I used my own brain on this one and concluded that as far as obesity is concerned, it has more to do with WHAT and HOW MUCH a parent feeds their child throughout their whole life, as well as how much exercise a child gets, not how early they introduce solids. And it is my personal opinion that the opposite is true as far as allergies go. The United States is the only country that suggests longer waiting periods before introducing solids, and the United States has the highest number of food allergies among children. On every birth board, moms gasp angrily because grandma slipped baby a bit of bread while the family had dinner, or a taste of applesauce during snack time. Heaven forbid ice cream passes his lips before the exact moment of his first birthday. (Newsflash: dairy isn't poison, even before one year. No, I don't recommend giving your 6 month old a bottle of cows milk, but a bite of dad's ice cream once or twice isn't going to do so much as give your baby a stomach ache.) "OMG!!! Don't you know that giving my baby a strawberry before he's 5 will give him an allergy?!!!" - says a woman from a generation in which food allergies among children were rarely heard of, but who is the parent to a child from the generation that is riddled with food allergies. The difference? The older mother never worried about feeding her child foods he would be eating eventually anyway, and the younger mother is so terrified of everything she reads that she doesn't let her baby have anything but breastmilk until he's one year old or older. Heck, in India, peanut allergies are entirely unheard of, and they start feeding their babies table food almost immediately- table food that is almost always cooked in peanut oil. In America, we wait until they are two.

So, I feed my kids whatever I'm making for dinner, as soon as they look interested. And none of my kids have any allergies at all. Yeah, yeah, I know. Anecdotal evidence. Whatever. It's working for me. Why should I change it?

The glory in all of this is, while I refuse to acknowledge any other mother's accusations that I'm doing something wrong with my children, the fact that I'm right doesn't mean they're wrong.

I just don't want people who don't know me or my kids or what's going on to sit and tell me that I'm doing something wrong. When you spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with my kids, and know them as well as I do- in and out, up and down, interests and disinterests, and everything in between, THEN you can make the parenting decisions.

What I want to know now is- What are YOU right about? What are YOU right about that everyone else is wrong about? At least when it comes to YOUR family, what are you doing right?

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Brag & Blab Monday

I KNOW!! I'm finally posting again! Are you shocked? It's been nearly a month! (And I was honestly SURE that it was longer than that, as I haven't even OPENED my blog since my morning sickness kicked in, and I honestly thought it'd been more like 2 months)

I have to say, too, that I am truly touched by the emails I have received by my readers inquiring about my health, and questioning weather or not I'm alright. Yes! I am! (A little woozy and lacking energy, overly exhausted and extremely cranky, especially if one were to ask my Lilly- but I'm okay!) And I'm back- though, I can't guarantee I'll have the stamina to blog every single day yet. MOST of my days are pretty okay lately.

This is really the shortest stint of morning sickness I've EVER experienced. With Lilly, it was like a perpetual stomach flu for 16 weeks, with multiple bouts of vomit per day, lots of sleeping from the time I got home from work on Friday night, not even waking for meals, until I had to wake for work on Monday morning, and food aversions so strong that I would vomit at the thought of them. My strongest craving was cheese puffs, though no one- including my pastry goddess mother in law- new what they were or how to make them. Truth was, neither did I. I had NO idea. I just heard them mentioned while watching That 70's Show and wanted them desperately.

With Mahone, the frame was about as long. 16 weeks before it let up, though i vomited twice only, and my biggest aversion was laundry detergent. I still remember my house being a pigsty and my laundry piling up to major proportions. I craved 2 things with that pregnancy- cheese dogs from Hot Dog On A Stick, peach flavored soft serve frozen yogurt. I wasn't able to get either of these things. I lived in New Jersey at the time, and the closest Hot Dog on a Stick was in Ohio. There WAS a TCBY at every truck stop along the utterly and horribly distorted and confusing interstate highways, though they only had chocolate, vanilla or swirl. Obviously, since I was craving peach, they were not satisfactory. The other possibility was the TCBY in Atlantic City, which was over 2 hours away. I planned to go on some weekend. But we never made it.

Scarlet was much better, and while I had that gooey nasty feeling in my belly nearly all the time, but I didn't throw up once. My house got messy, my laundry piled up, and I was ridiculously mean to my children for a few months, but otherwise, I got through it without serious issues, though it still lasted the average 16 or so weeks. I had serious cravings for raspberry filled doughnuts, which was spectacular because we had a Krispy Kreme down the street from us. The other thing I craved was a lemon dessert from Johnny Carrino's that was just divine. It was a lemon flavored cake that was filled with a creamy lemon filling, and smothered in a tangy, sour, lemon sauce and topped with sweet strawberries. I wasn't NEAR a JC's, but when we went to Birmingham for a temple trip, i was able to have lunch there, only to discover that they had discontinued the lemon dessert. GAH!!!!! You can imagine my frustration.

THIS pregnancy, however, has been solidly different. My morning sickness has been less sickness, and more exhaustion. Much wooziness, but not a LOT of actual nausea. Not that it isn't there. But then, it's also mostly at night. I'm usually fine in the morning, start getting tired around Scarlet's nap time, and then by the time they're in bed I'm sick enough to flop into bed with the lights on and crash and burn. At least I can mostly sleep through the worst of it. It's letting up, too. I feel much better more often, and I'm only at 10 weeks. That used to make me nervous, as a sudden disappearance of symptoms could mean travesty. Thank heavens for my sweet and patient nurse, who has spent much time with me on the phone, calmly, willingly and supportively calming my fears with reassurance and understanding. I have noticed that, even though i feel much better than I normally do, and some days I feel pretty normal, it is far from a 'sudden disappearance' of symptoms. I can always count on my exhaustion to kick in at least by bedtime. And in the mean time, I'm counting myself lucky. I'm especially more confident in my condition as I started being able to feel sweet baby flutters about a week ago. I am, as of today, 10 weeks and 4 days!!!

So anyway, now that you've had a not-so-short rundown of my entire pregnancy history, I can get on with my blogging.

Brag and Blab Monday.

I won't be including a mr. linky this week, as I'm writing this Monday night, and normally I post my blogs the night before the day it will be 'valid' and so, tomorrow doesn't really count for this. Also, I have to warn my Touchy Topic Tuesday fans that I won't be posting one tomorrow. I will be posting tomorrow night, but it will be for Wordless Wednesday and You Know You're A MOM When... BUT, assuming I still am feeling up to blogging next week (chances look good) then there WILL be a TTT- which seems to be a favorite amongst my readers.

So here you go, friends: Brag And Blab Monday!!!!

Brag:

I took Lilly to her kindergarten assessment on June 1st, and Lilly did spectacularly!!!

Let me break a few things down.

Our kindergarten has 3 classes:
Monday-Friday, with Wednesdays off Mornings or Afternoons.
And a full day class that goes Monday- Friday, no day off.
Well, I learned awhile ago that the full day class is only for students who essentially don't know anything and are not ready for kindergarten.

The teacher, upon finishing Lilly's assessment, asked what my preference was, and I said Mornings, (because morning starts at 8:20, and then ends at 12:00, and on Tues and Thurs, Mahone has preschool in the afternoon an hour away. Preschool doesn't get out until 4, so I'd need her in the morning or I'd have to have a babysitter pick her up at 3:20 until I got home at 5:00...LOOOOOONG story)

Anyway, the teacher asked me if I might consider putting her in the FULL DAY class because she gets to choose EXCEPTIONALLY SMART STUDENTS to fill 1/4 of that class because the peer interaction that the not-on-par students get from the exceptional students is just as beneficial for them as the teacher's attention!!

She said that she is very impressed with Lilly, and the only POSSIBLE way she can get into the full day class is if she comes in as one of the exemplary kids.

Of course I asked if this class would hinder my daughter's education at all, and she said absolutely not, because the work day is actually very intense. They don't have homework because of the intensity, but they do a lot of work in class, and she said that she has been teaching the full day class for 15 years and has NEVER had an exceptional student fall behind or become bored as they actually can in the mainstream kindergarten classes. She said Lilly is quite possibly too advanced for me to put her in a regular class, and she would worry about her progress THERE.

She also asked if my son would be skipping a grade and coming into kindergarten this year (just in talking to him, she learned that he can already read and he'll be four in July) I told her no, that he'll still be going to preschool this year.

So I came home and called Lilly's preschool teacher (my mom) and talked about it. We're putting Mahone in the morning class instead of the afternoon, and I'll be back at noon before Lilly is out of school at 3:20, though on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'll have to ask another mom on the playground to watch her until school starts as I'll have to leave by 8:00 to get my son to school.

Anyway, we're working things out because my mom, I and her future teacher feel that this is the best thing to do for Lilly so that she doesn't get forgotten or ignored because of the abilities she already has. Of course, there's a small possibility that she won't be able to make the class because the teacher DID say that she has to do more assessments and they only have a limited number of spaces. I'm not too worried, though. Lilly really IS awfully brilliant.
I'm SOOOO proud!

Blab: There are a few things that I really really need to complain about. Believe it or not, during the last month, I haven't been actually dead to the world- I HAVE been online a little bit, mostly on my January '11 birth board on Baby Center. And there are just a few things that seriously irk me about women on that site:

1. I don't give a flying rat's arse what you do with your son's penis. I really don't. It's inconsequential to me, and your child's private parts are none of my business. However, I DO circumcise. Yes, I feel that that is a very educated decision made because of research as well as discussions with our pediatrician as well as between my husband and me. I am sick to death of the attitude that if I HAD done my research, then I wouldn't be circing and therefore, i need to be further educated on the matter. I'm not dumb, I'm not uneducated. I feel that I am doing what's best for my child.

Furthermore, on the same topic, I am so tired of seeing circumcision of boys be compared to tribal tradition of circumcising girls. It is a blatant misuse of argument as there is nothing even similar about the two of them. Female circumcision is done to prevent a woman from EVER being able to experience sexual pleasure, as from that time on, intercourse is painful, and since the clitoris is removed entirely, she can not experience climax. It has absolutely ZERO to do with cleanliness, or even aesthetics as is on the top of the list of reasons for male circumcision. It is done as a sort of chastity belt, to prevent women from ever seeking out sexual pleasure from a man other than her husband- as though it were pleasurable in the first place. Knowing what I know about MEN, there is nothing like this going on at all. My husband is circumcised...and he has now fathered 4 children. Without pain.

I also find it incredibly hilarious that one of the main arguments for not ciricing is that uncircumcised men feel greater sexual pleasure than men who are not circumcised. Am I really the only person who calls Bullcrap on this one? I mean, in order for anyone to really know if the pleasure is so much better, a man would have had to have been sexually active for a decent amount of time to experience enough of it to get an opinion, then be circumcised and continue to be sexually active long enough to claim an opinion. The only articles I've ever read about this sort of claim is made by men who are angry at their parents for having circ'd them when they were babies. And it's bogus. Parents decide all the time what to do for their children, and while there are some pretty crappy parents out there, for the most part, all parents love their children, and only want what's best for them. If one feels that their parents have screwed up because of a thing like circumcision because you don't feel like you are sexually fulfilled, then it's probably a better idea to overlook it in the name of your parents having done what they felt was best, and invest in a Kama Sutra.

And last but not least, while Christians know that the law of circumcision has been removed from lawful religious practice, I find it incredibly humorous that so many people say "God put it there, it should be left there" when in fact, Jews and Christians alike very deeply study the bible- old and new testaments. God put it there, alright, but he also told us to remove it, revoked law or not. Christ himself was circumcised at 8 days old, and the frequent argument that he wasn't, in fact, is ridiculous. I know of NO evidence that Jews practiced a ceremony of 'blood letting' where they prick the end of the uncircumcised penis and let a few drops of blood out- INSTEAD of actually circumcising their boys, though I DO know that in the Old Testament, Moses's wife circumcises their son and then throws the foreskin at his feet. Sounds complete to me. One last thing- Jesus's circumcision was not his baptism, which many passionately against circing mothers say: "Circumcision by water" as opposed to a traditional 8 day old Jewish boy bris.

2. "Stolen Thunder": Who the heck cares if your sister in law or sister, or cousin, or whoever is pregnant at the same time you are? Pregnancy isn't about attention, and if it is to you, then you probably need to dig a bit deeper and learn to love yourself more.

So many people complain about the mean and hurtful comments that their friends and families make in their unsupport of their pregnancy, and the same people whine and cry about a friend who announces their pregnancy and they're due at the same time. STOLEN THUNDER!!!! Ugh. Isn't being all irritated that you're not the only one expecting doing the same thing to that woman, who should be able to be thrilled and excited about her pregnancy, that those unsupportive family members and friends did to you by saying rude and inappropriate things? I should say so.

Anyway, not everyone gets pregnant on purpose. Not everyone announces that they're trying to get pregnant. How do you know they haven't been trying for months? Or even years? How do you know that they got pregnant to spite you? Um...sorry, but I doubt it in 99.9% of cases. You ask "Is it too much to ask for for those I love to be happy for my addition?" Well, now I ask, is it too much to ask for YOU to be accepting and happy for your friend/sister in law/sister, etc. who is pregnant too? Put on your big girl panties and realize this isn't 3rd grade. It's not a contest, and pregnancy should never be used as an attention getter.

For the record, I've never been able to be pregnant with my friends. I've been pregnant at the same TIME as my friends, but I've always been across the country. I would LOVE the opportunity to be pregnant with a friend. Even more so, with a sister or sister in law.

3. Baby showers: Another thing I am so sick of is hearing how it's inappropriate to have a baby shower for any child other than your first.

The most common argument for this is that a baby shower is for the first child because people bring you big items and then you are expected to use those items for subsequent children.

Well, let me ask this question: How many "big" items have YOU received at your baby shower? I was lucky enough to have 2 showers- one with my first, and one with my second, as the first was a girl and the second was a boy. My mom gave me an awesome baby jogger at my first shower, but otherwise, we have purchased all of our big items including cribs, mattresses, strollers, car seats, high chairs, etc. Mostly, people brought me clothing and accessories for my babies, but nothing big. Do YOU take big items to baby showers? Well, I sure as heck am not going to show up at a shower with a 400 dollar crib. (For the record, my regular baby gift is Baby 411, and Teething Bling (which is awesome- google it.) and an occasional book for the new dad called Be Prepared: A Mans Guide to Parenthood.)

Not only all that, but I think that the majority of women who think that only one baby shower is appropriate, are first time moms, expecting to purchase all gender neutral everything and then use it for all 10 children they might have.

How ridiculous. Who wants to dress her baby girl in yellow and green onesies for the first 3 months of her life? Furthermore, who wants to dress ANY baby in blow-out poop and spit up stained baby clothes? Because, believe it or not, even baby clothes wear out.

Honestly, I just don't see the difference between having a baby shower and having a birthday party for a previously birthed child. I mean, do you tell a kid "You can never have a birthday party again because you got one on your first birthday." And do you tell your younger children "You can't ever have a birthday party because your older brother/sister got one, and it's inappropriate to celebrate EVERY child." Uh....no.

Point made? I think so.