Ready to Face it.

So this is my third month blogging here.

I think I've done pretty well. I have regular readers, and I have found some blogs I love to read. I've even made some pretty lasting friends. Furthermore, I have almost 200 followers, and have consistently held a place in the top 12 Stay-at-home blogs on Top Mommy Blogs (vote for me by clicking the button on my top left sidebar.) I have also won several great awards!

So, I have been thinking. Every day, since I began blogging, and got into this bloggy world, and started promoting my blog on all kinds of blogging communities, I have found the wonderful connection that Memes can be.

And I have had a Meme for every single day of the week almost.

Well, I'm done with those. Well, not really- because I like them. I think some of them are fun, and provoke my creativity. Others are hilarious and i love being able to read other people's versions. I also like the publicity they bring my blog.

However, I am ready to stand on my own two feet. I started this blog so that I could be blatant and up front with my feelings, my life my children, my everything. Tabula Rasa- blank page, ready to be scrawled upon, clean and crisp and cool with it's emptiness, ready to be filled full of fire and emotion. So far, I've done nothing but hide behind the Memes. Well, I'm standing here, ready to face it all.

First things first: Honesty.

A week and a half ago, my mom gave me some very sound advice. "Just don't say anything."

On the 10th of March, I announced my fourth pregnancy in a series of pictures for my Meme "wordless Wednesday"

On Friday, I started my period, and the day ended in sobs as I believed I had miscarried my child. Further research was done, and I learned that what I was experiencing was called a Chemical Pregnancy- where the egg is fertilized, but it fails to implant. It isn't a miscarriage at all, technically. It didn't make it any easier, and I mourned bitterly.

Well, I belong to a December birth club, all of us trying to conceive a child that would be due in December. By accident, I found out today, through a few of the women who seem like experts on conceiving children (one is a nurse at a fertility clinic and is trying to conceive her 5th child), that the blue dye tests give regular false positives- that even the occasional male can gain a positive test from using a blue dye test.

Of course I was shocked. They told me that since I started my period on the expected date, I was likely never pregnant at all, which includes the exclusion of a Chemical pregnancy.

So of course, I'm really relieved. No miscarriage. But still, I am discouraged. No baby.

A week and a half ago, my mom's advice was sound, and correct. I was not yet ready to tell anyone that i was not pregnant. I was not ready to talk about it because when I even THOUGHT about it, I bawled. I was not ready for the forced sympathy or the comments, particularly comments like "Well, you have three children already, just be happy with that." which, yes, I have received.

So i have only told the occasional person, who noticed my mood, who knew me well enough to know that i was not okay, that something was wrong.

Yesterday, when we came home from a day with my mom, I went to bed at 7 while Brandon put the kids to bed, because I was so exhausted i couldn't see straight. I slept until 7:30 in the morning before I woke to my children. I didn't hear my children going to bed or waking in the night. (I hope to high heaven that if they DID wake, Brandon heard them, because usually I am the one who hears them and gets up- unless i wake HIM up and kick him out of bed.) I didn't hear Brandon get into bed, and only stirred a little when he got OUT of bed at 5:30. When I woke up at 7:30, I still could have used 5 more hours.

I'm so absent minded sometimes. I thought nothing of it, because I have mourned my lost or false pregnancy, and I'm on to trying again. This morning, I posted on my face book about sleeping so long, and got over 15 responses about how I'm pregnant, it's to be expected.

Well, I'm not. i was just tired. So there it is, I'm not knocked up. But crossing my fingers for a December baby.

I have to say, though, that i do enjoy my current birth board. Hopefully I can stay instead of moving on to January. But i have to say that I find it pretty interesting how forward women can be on those boards.

I mean, I've been talking to my girlfriends about sex since, well, like the seventh grade, but even now it's joking and giggly when we get all giddy about our husbands or boyfriends. I'm very thankful, though, a little stunned that I can be so forward with women i don't know about such things as sperm, vaginas, ovulation, cervical mucus and sex. It's not a giggly girly thing. It's biology. We're all connected in a pretty intimate way. we're all trying to have a baby.